My sheets look like a crime scene.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
