Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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