Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
