Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
