I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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