Don't you send me to vm
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Do you remember whose house we're in?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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