I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
