??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
