There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
