im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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