are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
