In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
