So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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