Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
