I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She bit a glass in half.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
