Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
