This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
