so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
