fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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