I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
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