I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize