you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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