Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
