Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
