im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
