Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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