An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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