Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
