May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
