That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
