When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
