I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
