Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
