if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
