ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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