He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
