Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
