remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
