drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
