I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
