why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
