Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
