A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
