I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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