She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
