Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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