quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize