I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
