My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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