i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
