so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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