ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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