he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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