and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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