Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you traded sex for a burrito?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
