You're my little dorito
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
