I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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