I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
