Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My Sexting was not on an AP level
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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