Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
