she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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