I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
