i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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