I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
