I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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