When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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